Dear Nina - A Father's letter to his Daughter about the Mother she never knew.

 

 

Nina Stearns-Smith, 1927

Nina Stearns-Smith Banta(1910-2012), my grandmother, and I met periodically to share the latest news over coffee.  She knew I was interested in family history and loved to share stories and photos of our ancestors.

One day I asked, “What was it like growing up in Colorado?”

 

 

Nina and Grandma Smith, 1913

“Hmmm,” she started. “Well, I was actually born in Denning, Arkansas, but my mother died when I was a baby.  After that, I lived with Grandma and Grandpa Smith until I was about four years old.” 

As she began to tell the story, her eyes became distant and her voice softened, as I sensed her going back to that place and time.  

"I had fun when I was with Grandma Smith.  They had a house in town and a farm where I would help feed the chickens.  I loved helping on the farm.

        Then one day they took me to a faraway place, to see my father and his new wife.  After a short visit, they left me there to live in “my new home” with people I did not know.  I did not want them to leave. I cried for them to come back, but they were gone.  My parents tried to comfort me, but they were strangers.  They did not know me, and I did not know them,” she recalled in a hushed voice, blinking back tears. 

 

“I will never forget that day,” she said as she got up to pour more coffee.  

 

The wound was still raw even though 70 years had passed since that day. 

 

Nina Stearns-Smith, 1927

 

She told no other stories of her childhood other than her romance with Marvin, the Lamar High School football star and brother of her best friend, Belle Banta.  

Grant Stearns-Smith,1946

More than 30 years after this conversation I discovered a letter written to Nina from her father Grant Stearns-Smith (my great-grandfather), telling her about the mother she never knew, her family, their romance, and Nina’s birth.  

The letter is valuable as it gives evidence as to relatives we may not have known, and perhaps even more valuable in that it tells of their experience in a touching way. The love, the grief, the fear of rejection, the wanting to protect, and the tangled web that never seems to clear when we cover up. I share the letter with you in its entirety, without comment, for you to draw your own conclusions.  

Mrs. Marvin W. Banta

(nee Nina Bernheim Stearns-Smith)

466 Grove Way

Hayward, California

 

Lamar Colorado

January 27, 1946

Dear Nina,

                  Upon receipt of your letter of the 21^st inst. enclosing letters from Mr. Walter H. Liebman of the law firm of Liebman and Eulau of New York, counsel for the estate of the late Miss Kate Bernheim, together with copy of the will of her mother, Julia M. Bernheim, as procedure in determination of heir-ship, prompts me now to relate some of your own mother’s life and family connections of which, prior to this time owing to existing circumstances, - all logical and plausible – I had not found opportunity to inform you.

It had been, always, in my mind to do so when you became old enough to understand and consider the story with a mature conception – rather than have your childhood over-shadowed with a sadness, when it was possible for you to grow up in a normal homelife under the guidance of an “adopted” mother to whom you were as dear as her own and as dear to her relatives and friends; and for whom you have, to this day, a fervent and lasting affection the memory of which you will cherish, forever, in your heart.

As you advanced in the ‘teen age your school activities, combined with demands on my attention outside (some of which could have been omitted, after all,) there seemed to be, never an opening for me to sit down with you and explain whence you came; although you had “picked up” inadvertently, and gradually a knowledge of your origin and infancy.  

Then, upon your graduation from Lamar High School, we had your mother’s engagement ring remounted in a new setting, recast from positively the old Tiffany in her memory, together with the original wedding ring bearing initials and date, to present to you on that occasion.  

From then on, by your leaving to enter college thru my sister’s (Katherine) and mother’s sponsorship; your subsequent marriage and consequent moving about, and three times becoming a mother yourself; I found little chance to engage you in such a narrative.  Meanwhile, I had sent you her locket of our college days inside of which were our miniature pictures reduced from those taken for graduation; besides other keepsakes. 

When you and Marvin, with Jimmie, Marian, and Pattie Ann, visited us at Christmas time, I deemed it to be best not to delay, longer, telling you more than you had known before, - from me, at least – about your mother and our sublime happiness filled with hope and aspirations: the purity and sincerity of her character (I adored and worshiped her and she respected me with utmost confidence;) and I showed you many pictures contemporary with our college days and mutual friends, besides unrolling our two college diplomas, hers bearing the inscription “Cum Laude,” and those of high school.  I omitted showing you a picture of her father, William S. Bernheim, and one, I believe is of her mother – a beautiful woman – because they were packed long ago with the intention of sending them either to your “auntie” Irene or Uncle Julian when they might indicate they would be more of less permanently located and have convenience to keep them; and considering their environments were likely as suitable as mine and believing they should have more attachment for them than I could have, naturally, I wrote them long ago that effect, and concerning other articles which they might feel more peculiarly theirs, to which I received no response.  Yet, Irene and I continue to exchange some correspondence, at least once a year. 

In regard to some of the more vital facts  which, also , may be of importance to your children’s future since we have come , nationally, into a period when more emphasis is being placed upon our identity and origin for social security purposes/as well as citizenship and in support of your own eligibility to the inheritance about which your aunt Irene has written you – and Mr. Liebman in his letters of December 10 and 17, respectively , returned herewith – a brief story follows:

Your mother, Nina Ruth, daughter of William S. and Harriet Bernheim, was born November 30, 1882, Thanksgiving Day, at Fort Collins, Colorado.  While she was registered and graduated at St. Joseph, Missouri, in both grade and high schools, and in Park College, Parkville, Missouri, as Nina Ruth she favored Mauraice for her  middle name, and it was allegedly her original middle name by which she preferred to be known; hence, the initials in the wedding ring. 

On October 24, 1906, your mother, Nina Bernheim, and I, Grant Stearns-Smith, were married at St. Joseph, Buchanan County, Missouri, at 6 o’clock, p.m., at her home with distant cousins, Mr. and Mrs. A. Brown DeMuth, 726 South Fourteenth Street: Rev. Dr Henry Bullard officiating.  Miss Frances Bragg was bridesmaid and Mr. Arthur F. Riddle was best man.  Miss Bragg was a St. Joseph high school friend and just graduated from Ohio Wesleyan, while Mr. Riddle was my room-mate and our fellow classmate in the Park Class of 1906.

                  Our marriage was the culmination of a romance that started following freshman year. Nina and her sister, Irene, were two of the ranking students in our class; the latter earning a Magna Cum Laude, while I was pretty much a “play-boy,” (really out of place in such a serious minded school) devoting too much time to band, orchestra, and glee club, and clownish pranks, that I was lucky, ultimately, to have enough credits to rate a “sheep-skin”, at all.

                  We made our home at Vinita, (then) Indian Territory, where I was in newspaper work as a beginning in the field I aspired, someday, to be heard from.  We later went to Tulsa, where I was to continue in similar work which did not turn out as represented and I became associated with an industrial concern; later going to another in secretarial and accounting capacities, which took me to its extensive operation is Arkansas. 

                  During the three following years, while in that company’s employ, we transformed one of the company houses into a cozy, comfortably furnished home right among the miners, most of whom were our congenial neighbors and dependable, appreciative friends. From there, we availed ourselves of the usual vacations for a modest degree of travel; including visits to St. Joseph and with my parents at Girard, Kansas, where Nina had been with me before our marriage, and had won their love and the rightful and lasting esteem of their friends.  We were sublimely happy and ambitious.  Your aunt Irene spent several weeks with us. 

                  On March 26, 1910, you were born, about 7 o’clock in the morning, the day before Easter, at Denning, Franklin County, Arkansas; the first and only child.  We were filled with joy, of course; tho cautiously anxious about your little mother, but confident.  Then, eight days later, complications appeared.  My mother and sister, and your Uncle Julian, came to my side.  My mother took you away thru part of the following weeks, where you could be under the best of care, returning with you in a thriving condition in hopes that sight of you might encourage your mother.  She made a courageous and valiant fight to live.  The attending physician, Dr. Post, fresh out of Johns- Hopkins, and special nurses from Ft. Smith together with several consultation visits by a leading physician from there could not stem the tide.  April 28^th in early afternoon she was taken from me. To spare you of any details of my collapse, suffice to say I did not want to live, and felt I couldn’t. But aunt Kitty and uncle Julian took me in hand to admonish me of my duty to live for you.  I confess more was done for you by my mother, my father, my sister, auntie (Lena) DeMuth, auntie Irene, your adopted mother and her folks, any of them, than I could claim credit for.  I have merely “posed”, as you first me in pictures, as your “Daddy Grant.” 

                  After the burial, at Girard in the family plot alongside, then, of my sister Helen and aunt Cornelia Ann Stearns, to be followed later by my father’s body and mother’s ashes, my father and mother returned to their old home in Girard; where they primarily directed and devoted their attention to your care.  I was transferred by the Company to the Kansas field after a period of “finding” myself and, living with them and you, I continued in the service until a decision to venture into some different field, which resulted in my locating here.  For a time, I was reluctant and declined to mix in any social diversion except conversation with people at the hotel.  Eventually, I experience a change and, at a card party, met a young woman with admirable qualities.  After a half year of acquaintance, we were married and set up a home. 

                  When you were three years of age your grandmother brought you to us.  It nearly broke her heart to return home without you.  And your emotion was heart rending when you missed her that night.   But with the love of your new mother, Evelyn, and the kindness and tenderness of all Grandma Gilbert’s family which continues to this day – even down to your three fine children, - you soon became reconciled and responded with your love in return; displaying that nobleness of character we should aways strive to attain.  

                  You recall a brief visit of your cousins, Oren and Thera Bernheim, with their mother passing thru here in route to their home in Florida.  That was the only meeting you or I ever had with them.  Their father “Mortie” was never met by you or me. 

                  From here on, you know as much as I could tell you.  Aunt Irene, thru several visits with my parents and sister, at Girard and in Kansas City, formed a friendship with them and love that still lives.  I hope Irene can contrive to run down from Los Angeles to visit aunt Kitty, near San Diego.  Your mother’s and my marriage, and your birth, are both inscribed by my mother in the family Bible, now in possession of my sister, the page of which I have a photostatic copy. 

                  The last addresses of other named heirs is as follows: 

 

IRENE HARRIET BERNHEIM

143 N. Hobart,

Los Angeles, California

JULIAN S. BERNHEIM

E. 3104 Indiana

Spokane, Washington

(jointly)

OREN W. BERNHEIM

(wife – Clementine)

Palatka, Florida

c/o James Porter Perry

NENA THERA BERNHEIM

(Mrs. Malcolm G. Mathews)

Pocomoke, Maryland

Son and daughter, respectively

of

J. Morris Bernheim, deceased

(then) Hastings, Florida

 

Grant Stearns-Smith

Lamar, Colorado.

Signed: (prepared with carbon copy) Grant Stearns-Smith

 

 

Barbara and I with Grandma Nina,
on her 100th Birthday, Fremont, CA, 2010

The rest of the story:

           When Kate Bernheim (Nina's Grand Aunt) died in 1944, she did not have any direct heirs so it became necessary for her attorneys to find any distant heirs. This eventually led to Nina and their request for her to explain any relationship she might have with the Bernheim family. 

As Nina had very limited knowledge, she reached out to her father for answers.  The information her father had tried to bury so many years ago, now resurrected ironically through probate.  

That is what "prompted" him to tell her about her mother, their relationship, the circumstances of her birth and her mother's death, and how she came to live apart from him for the first several years of her life.  

Nina successfully established her 'heirship" and received an inheritance of about $7,000. It provided her and Marvin with the means to buy their home at 55 Main Street in Hayward and begin their homebuilding business.

     

Nina and family, 55 Main Street, Hayward CA
1947